u think they're strong, maybe u're wrong.

Here’s my span-new update. Currently I have a semi-official, quasi, sort of actual part time job. =P Hehehe.. Some kind of an administrative job some would say, at an English tuition near home. So what I do is solely double-checking papers and exercises or filling papers at times. Overall, it’s good and fun and I get to see cute little kids every day running, mumbling, laughing and peeing their pants. Haha.. cute! Tho my job can be boring at times, but seeing those kids every half an hour giggling while lining on their way to toilet or bus is worth it. Anyway, I get to see more clearly now that I really suck at playing with kids. No doubt about it. All I did was “HI” and then I went like “…….siiiiinggg…….” . Yep, that’s it. I think it’s bcos that I’m not used to being around kids, and particularly cos I’m the youngest in the family. =P

And about the work, it dawns on me that whatever thing I do, whatever job it is, it’s never enough, it’s never satisfying enough cos what I do is trying to move on and act like nothing ever happened cos after some time, it seems as if I’m no longer allowed to make trouble over whatever it is I’m up against, and as if people are moving on and it’s criminal if I’m not. People ask how I’m hanging and I have this vehement feeling each time I’m telling. Then people blandly say, ”Oo..” and don’t see how it’s a problem to me and looks like as if the big elephant in the room is invisible to them. Well maybe after all, they are. For others, maybe they see other elephants and not mine. Mine is the pink elephant in the center of the room but invisible to others and maybe others’ are gray elephants across the room but are invisible to me.

It occurs to me that no matter how hard I try to move on, all this means nothing more than a distraction cos no matter where I put myself, at home, at work, anywhere, anything I do, they all look the same, just distraction. Maybe this little part of my life is my suspended animation, and when the time comes, that’s when I can truly live it.

Some people even said and wondered how happy I must have been, working 4 hours a day, watching and going out during the rest, but I tell you, it sucks. Better drag yourself out of the bed every morning and get home not before 8 every night as long as there’s a purpose at the end of all of it, than strolling out from work and not having the rush of the purpose of going somewhere, cos you’re as good as dead.

For the record, I usually don’t whine it out like this for others to hear and apparently I look normal and happy like you do. This is merely just the place to sort through things, cos lately I realize people seem okay from the outside but indeed they might be crushed inside and maybe, they’re even more desperate and pathetic cos they don’t tell others and they don’t write blogs. =P
Hehe

cao