low point

I was in the car the other day when suddenly a weird thought popped up in my mind out of nowhere in the middle of a slightly jammed road where my mom sat beside me and my driver sitting in front. I looked at my driver and that’s when I imagined myself sitting on the driving seat instead, and wondered how it would be if I were to crash into a car and get into a fight. Then I thought of a probable way where I would get off from the car and start yelling at that person. I actually visualized rather clearly how the scene would be, with me angrily shouting and being shouted at. It’s weird cos part of me really wished that something like that would happen right there at that moment. And just like being awaken from a dream, I was there again sitting peacefully on the left-hand side of the backseat with a rather mellow song playing on the radio, with my mom beside and driver in front, nothing happened.

Then after a couple of minutes of staring out of the window, looking at the pedestrians, I was taken away to my bubble again. This time was quite the same picture where my car was still, only with some occasional moving forward in the middle of the traffic jam, almost motionless. Only this time I was alone in the backseat. Then just when I looked to the right, I envisioned someone opening the door and pointing a knife at me. It was some kind of a robbery I guess, and I wondered that something like that would scare the shit out of me. That was a crazy thought, but I actually wished for something with the same amount of intensity to happen.

After that, I was struck kind of all of a sudden, and realized what an awful thought I was just having. I wouldn’t think of any of these if it wasn’t for feeling bland. I lightly slapped my face and thought to myself, “low point.. low point..” It occurred to me that sometimes we need something that’s extraordinary enough to pinch us up despite our tedious routines that are lined up like ducks in a row, mundane enough to make us avidly wish to be even robbed and pointed with a gun, to have the chance to scream and shout at the top of our voice, or wish to feel a little bit happier or angrier than usual. Cos to tell you the truth, I haven’t felt any differently than usual since forever. And by usual here, it’s either not happy or not sad, can’t even be categorized to both. It’s like a complete stagnant feeling. A straight line, if it were to be drawn as a graph.

Later in the car in the middle of the frozen traffic, I looked at my mom who’s dozing off and jerking every time the car halted after moving a tad, and I thought to myself that my mom would freak out for real if she knew what her daughter had just thought of. Then I realized that I’d been used to hiding feelings at home cos I didn’t want to worry anyone. Never once did I complain about how hollow I feel or even show that I’m sad since the meltdown that I had on the day where I received the letter. Maybe for them, I was only sad on that day and that’s it.

Well, don’t get me wrong though. It’s not that I’m sad all the time, desperate or whatsoever. What I’m saying is that maybe I’m just feeling quite nothing at the moment. I’m pretty much killed by the boredom. But the feelings come and go, and I guess it happens to everyone, whenever life’s fixed and passing through a static phase. Sometimes people wish for something bigger or more intense just to remind them they’re alive, to prove and appreciate their life that they have to run for it when they’re pointed with a weapon pointblank, or to know that there are much more to life than routines. We beg for changes just to hang on a little longer and that’s why a new haircut feels like a kick in the butt. =P